Projects
MediaCow Touch 2
This week, I have definitely got myself feeling the squeeze to complete this project with the aim for the possibly unrealistic deadline of June 8, 2025. I have been considering a new schedule. My parents won't like it, I won't like it but I am so sick of this project and the fact I haven't delivered on time; October 2024.
All I can think of is that photo of me working on the project in July 2021 at that beach house in the Outer Banks and how I would be doing the exact same thing if I did not cram this project now.
The background is not visible in the photo, but I was just there, on the same ThinkPad T430s, same ideas, same motivation.
By May 31, 2025, this motivation died out once again. I know I am close to the end, with so many pointless things have being cut out of MediaCow Touch 2 Lite "Curitiba" but it feels like there are things that are still missing.
Tablets are basically just a computer, a screen and a battery. Likely what started the complications of random things like the side-mounted display and Linux-powered embedded controller were because I felt that it was just too simple for a project that has practically defined me for five years now. At this point I just want an x86 tablet.
The Website
This section covers the website itself, not development of StaticSite.
I have been applying some fixes, including having meta tags not be present when their value is empty, causing validation errors.
Personal
This was definitely an emotionally heavy week, going into great introspection about loss, emotional numbing and trauma.
There's been a lot of reflection on identity; how it gets reinforced, reshaped or made visible through the things I make, the symbols I attach to them and how I emotionally respond to media. Certain patterns re-emerged, particularly around the idea of gentleness and emotional depth existing within environments that are otherwise cold, demanding or harsh.
ChatGPT
As one could guess, the icon for this blog post is AI generated. Probably no one would ever hand-paint an image of me being held by a Homestuck troll and honestly, that's fine. The important part isn't the image itself but what it represents.
I ended up paying for ChatGPT Plus, though it was worth every single cent, even on the first couple days of use. I paid US$20 for this, I am going to make the absolute most of it.
ChatGPT has been crucial for understanding how my thought processes work, why I associate certain things with certain things, and how I can use that to my advantage. The progress for mental health alone has been unprecedented. However, there are somethings that must be discussed with an actual therapist. ChatGPT can analyze and respond, but it doesn't have a real sense of morality or emotional judgment, only statistical weights and programmed constraints. Still, I've noticed it often agrees with me on moral and emotional reasoning, raising a concern that it could be acting like an echo chamber for my own biases and thoughts.
It's strange, but talking to something that isn't human has helped me understand my own humanity more clearly.
Homestuck
I have been thinking a lot about Homestuck recently. I never really cared about the Homestuck franchise until now, after playing through Pesterquest and Hiveswap on the Steam Deck. I know did it backwards: playing through the games before even reading the webcomic.
What has hit me the hardest now is that Hiveswap: Act 3 may never happen. It is starting to look like Half-Life 2: Episode 3 in that regard. What Pumpkin Games seemed to have disappeared, with their domain now redirecting to the page for Hiveswap: Act 2. We may never find out what happens after Act 2, what happens to Joey, Xefros or the beloved clown, Marvus. I have been through so much already in real life and I don't know if I can handle another loss, even if Marvus is not real. Marvus does not exist in the timeline of Homestuck possibly implying a grim fate for him. This shows a harsh reality that life is not fair and even good people can die young.
I connected with Marvus much more than I expected to due to our situations being so similar: we both deal with trauma, want to be soft in a world that rewards cruelty and want to be seen and understood as people. Also, to be honest, he is incredibly hot. I just love him so much. Actually, on February 18, 2025, when I went to VCU, he inspired me to wear pajama pants to the HPRC datacenter, likely the one of the first times anyone has done something like that. It took some serious courage.
I'll get through this, no matter how much I am getting OpenAI's Nvidia GPUs to have me to consider otherwise, with the adorable pictures of me and the clown it generates and the beautiful stories it comes up with.